The "Unraising"

I have been asked by many what I mean when I say "unraising" regarding my sons. Maybe I need to change it to re-raising, or un-learning. Whatever I call it, it simply means that 2 of my children need to forget everything they've learned from their lives in Shanghai before we can move on to grow into successful and complete people. I describe their upbringing as being raised by wolves. They were raised for the better parts of their lives by people who didnt care a bit about what kind of people they'd turn out to be. They didnt care at all how they behaved because frankly, they'd get beaten whether they behaved or not. They didnt care that kids are watching tv programs with the ayis that include explicit materials. They didnt care that they created an environment where it was not survival of the fittest, it was survival of the favorites. They didnt care if these kids got enough to eat, enough encouragement, enough human decency. When you are raised in this environment, it ingrains certain unpleasantness that is your norm and which makes living in a family extremely difficult.

Liam is just about finished with his un-raising. We have successfully turned him back into a little kid. He arrived very street wise. He knew things that no 7 year old should know and in this tough little kid was someone who laughed and laughed watching chinese childrens cartoons. His little boy self was in there somewhere. After a year of intensive therapy he has coping skills and is more prepared for life. His first year home, he gained 21 pounds by eating everything within reach, for fear of being starved again. Last year he received the mvp trophy in football. A kid who could barely run across the yard without being exhausted when he arrived is an athlete now. It took him a very long time to realize that we would never hit him, no matter what he did. He was safe from physical attacks in our home. He didnt have to ramp up his behavior because he knew he'd have to defend himself. Those days are gone, he can be a kid without fear of abuse. He is learning that he has a future. He is learning he can think about who he wants to be and then become that. This has all taken time....the un-raising... the un-doing ...the un-learning all of the damage that was done to him in the Shanghai Childrens Home.

This week, Danny's therapist asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. The question stumped him. He was completely confused. He realized this week that he can think about what he wants to be and it just might happen. He told his therapist that kids from shanghai had no future so he never thought about it. Kids from Shanghai have been taught they have no value. Danny's un-raising continues.