Loss

I have been lucky in my life. I have lost few people in all my years and most of them I've lost as an adult, when I can somewhat comprehend the impact and the sadness. Danny, my now 13 year old son has suffered loss like nobody I've ever known. In the process of "unraising" him he sees a wonderful therapist weekly to work on attachment and as a byproduct of that, grief. I sit in sadness as I hear him recount how the people who have meant something to him all dissappeared. His story is long and twisted on its path that led him to be at the Shanghai house of horrors. Even there, on occasion, he'd meet a caring and nurturing caregiver and attach to her, only to find out that they no longer worked there after some short period of time. What Danny has learned over the years is the adults in his life dont last long. Why bother to get too attached to them, they'll just leave.

Danny's losses.

Danny remembers living with his grandparents and parents in Anhui. At some point around age 4, his father took him to another province, never to see his mother or grandparents again.

Danny was given to an aunt and uncle, whom he loved. He spent 2 years with them, was attached to them and thought of them as his parents. When Danny was 6 dad shows up at the door to take him back. Bye aunt and uncle, two more losses, 5 so far.

Dad leaves Danny, then age 6, alone while he went to work. Danny, frightened one day, goes to the place that dad said he worked and was told that nobody by that name worked there. Scared and confused, Danny begins to walk and cant find his way home. The police pick him up and bring him to the orphanage since Danny hadnt been with dad long and didnt know how to tell the policeman the address. Bye Dad, another loss.

Danny spent the next 6 years in an orphanage, attaching to some caregivers but eventually learning that it's not worth it, they dont stay. The adults who were supposed to care for him starved him and beat him. He watched his friends all leave him, one by one until one day he learns a family wants him in America. It's his turn.

He comes to america with his new family who, for whatever reason, after only a few weeks decide he's not good enough, smart enough, young enough....... They dont want him and he knows it. He tried to make them love him but they wouldnt.

Add them up. Not including the caretakers and orphanage friends, there are 10. The family that adopted him had 2 children. He lost all four of them when they disrupted. He cared about them. He was attached to them and to this day doesnt understand why they couldn't love him.

He is working hard on trusting us. He is trying to believe that we will be his forever. When his therapist asked him why he would believe we would keep him, he pointed out that we kept our older kids. That was the only reason he could come up with. He figured we'd keep him at least as long as we kept them. "keeping" is not part of his history, his frame of reference. He doesn't truly understand that he's not property, to be passed around. Danny thinks if he makes a mistake, or misbehaves, it's the end of the road. He thinks he blew it.

On the way to his therapy appointment he was telling me about his dream. He has many dreams that keep him from getting good sleep. He told me his birthmother was in his dream waiting for him to get off a plane but the plane wouldnt land. He could see her through the window but the plane would not land.

I asked him if someday he would like to try to find her. I told him I would help him do that. He said, "maybe when I'm old and I am married". I said ok, but he didnt have to wait that long. He said, "I dont want to leave you so I will wait until I'm older".

The work of unraising him, opening his mind, healing his soul and loving him continues.....